Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
My 10-year-old son has long hair. He hasn’t had it cut in almost two years (except for a trim and once to get rid of an unfortunate mullet when it was growing out from a buzz cut) and it is currently at his shoulder blades. He loves his long hair and he does a good job of taking care of it—I almost never have to get onto him about washing or brushing it. He prefers to wear it down and chooses not to tie it back at all. However, it seems so many people close to us have something to say about his long hair. The majority of our family lives in a small, more conservative and traditional town, while we live in a much more progressive place across the country. He is 1 of 4 boys with hair is length in his class and there are two girls with buzz cuts. No one cares about hair. However, every time we FaceTime with our family or visit them, they comment on his hair. They don’t hound him about it, per se, but there are always a couple comments about when is he going to cut it and he has such a pretty face and would look so much better with his hair cut. His aunt and uncle were coming to visit recently and talking about the things they’d take him to do, and I heard them say “yeah right before we go to the park, we’ll stop by the barber shop and get you a haircut.” Home Use
These comments bother me because I think it is rude! I can’t imagine any situation in which telling someone, especially a child, that they would look better if their hair was a certain way or proposing haircuts that would suit them better, would be acceptable. I’ve asked my son if these comments bother him and if he wants me to say something to these people. He tells me they don’t bother him and he thinks they’re just “boring.” Should I say something or just leave it? Historically, if something bothers my son he will speak up. He has shut down people previously who had said “long hair/nail polish/the color pink is for girls” and stood up for a female classmate when someone said that she couldn’t like something because it was for boys and she was a girl. I feel like this is his issue to fight if he feels strongly about it, but I am really tired of hearing our family comment on his hair! Whenever I am feeling petty, I just want to open a conversation with “You’re still going with that blonde color? You’d look so much better if you went back to your natural brown” and see how they like it.
When it comes to young kids being treated badly, I always believe that parents should model the proper way to handle it while the disrespected kid is present. For example, you could say, “Listen, my son loves his hair, and one thing I’m not going to allow is anyone making jokes or throwing shade around me.” All it usually takes for a kid is seeing a respected grownup advocating for them to feel empowered to stand up for themselves in the future. I should also say that I’m not above being Petty Crocker on these streets to get a point across and the example you used about natural hair color is chef’s kiss perfection. Sometimes throwing their nonsense back at them is an effective way for them to see the error in their ways.
Yes, this is his battle to fight in the long run—but there is nothing wrong with showing him that he has a very strong ally in you by dealing with family and friends who make off-color comments in front of you. (And you should definitely tell that aunt and uncle that a secret barber shop trip is off the table.) In the moments when you’re not around, like at school, he’ll know that it’s cool to be different and to stand up for himself. A bonus perk is this will also help your son to stand up for other marginalized people who are being bullied or mistreated for being different.
You’re raising a great kid, and you should be very proud of him.
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My husband and I have one daughter, “Mia,” who is 7. When she was 3, we moved to a city near one of the best gymnastics gyms on the West Coast, so I signed her up for a class there thinking she’d probably have fun and switch to another activity soon. But Mia shined in class and adored every minute of it, and when we took the coach’s advice and enrolled her in the pre-team program, that was basically it: She fell in love with the sport. She is beaming when she gets to try out new skills or compete a routine she’s worked hard on, and has medaled in her age division at state and regional championships three times. She actually enjoys watching re-runs of Olympic gymnasts for fun, and will often tell us that she wants to be like them. We are really proud of Mia and have always supported her, but have never pressured her to win or keep going. Mia’s coach has told us that she thinks that Mia might be more challenged if she practiced with the 8-year-old team (which she is on the edge of the cutoff for and could compete with) because she is significantly ahead of the other girls on her team now and is bored with the skills already. Then at 9, she’d be able to try out for a program which would let her compete nationally with more experience and advanced skills.
I feel a little overwhelmed by this. I am not crazy about gymnastics like some parents here are—I just want my daughter to do what she loves. Letting her get on this team, be considered for national programs, etc., seems more serious than we ever pictured for a sport that most of her friends at school have quit by now. And while her current coach and gym are awesome, I feel worried by the reports of abusive coaches and environments, eating disorders, etc., that are coming out about gymnastics. We haven’t told Mia yet about what her coach suggested because I know she’ll want to do it, and I feel out of my depth compared to other parents and worried that she is putting too much pressure on herself. My husband says that we should tell her about the opportunity, and then keep letting her make her own choices about gymnastics, but I am wondering if we should actually try to make her do other activities and not be so determined and focused on the one thing she’s amazing at. Am I being silly or is it possible to be too passionate about one thing? What do you think is the best way forward?
Although I’m a youth sports coach, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a gymnastics enthusiast or expert by any means. I’m aware that the dynamics of this sport are different from most, but the one thing that rings true in youth athletics is if a kid shows talent beyond their age level, they will be asked to move up to a higher level to be challenged. My 10-year-old daughter is currently playing on a 12-year-old club basketball team because of her advanced skillset. This stuff is very common.
The main thing I’d advise you is to ensure that this is Mia’s decision and not yours. You mentioned that this is more serious than you anticipated and you’re worried about eating disorders, but you’re putting your feelings first by mentioning these concerns. If she loves the challenge of participating in competitions, let her do it. Also, if she’s as good as everyone says she is, this could lead to big things for her down the road—including a potential college scholarship.
To be clear, of course you should be on the lookout for dangers such as abuse or eating disorders. I’m always cognizant of the same pitfalls for my daughters, because that comes with the territory for any young athlete, not just gymnasts. I also think it’s a good idea to have her try other sports and activities as well, but if Mia is a prodigy at gymnastics and she loves it, she will always gravitate towards that at the end of the day.
Greatness appears at the intersection of talent, hard work, and love for the activity. It seems like Mia has all three boxes checked, so I would just ride that wave as long as you can to see where it takes her. Who knows? You may have the next Simone Biles living under your roof. But even if she doesn’t reach that level, at least you have a happy kid who has immense talent in something she’s passionate in.
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I want to start and say I know I am lucky to have in-laws that care so deeply about my children. I live with my husband and two young children near his parents and siblings, while my family is out of state. Our children are the only grandchildren and thus the center of all the attention. We are questioned daily or even multiple times a day via various text message chats about what the kids are doing, how was their day was, etc. We try to keep the messages short “they had a fun day at school.” Heaven forbid someone is sick then a barrage of messages is sent asking for hourly updates. We have a shared album of kids’ photos that we add to a few times a week. I’ve started to become hesitant to add because many times there are follow up texts asking for more details of what we did and who we saw. It is starting to eat away at me. It feels like another obligation that I have to respond to at the end of the day. I also feel totally disregarded as a person and am now just the “mom.” My husband feels similarly but is slightly more forgiving and is better at ignoring the text messages. I see my in-laws weekly (MIL and FIL sometimes more than once a week), so we have plenty of opportunity to discuss and connect in person. How can I end the constant check-ins or be less annoyed?
I despise group chats with the passion of a million burning suns, so my response will be somewhat biased here. You do not owe anyone a constant rundown of your kids’ events, health, activities, etc., unless you want to do it. It’s clear to me that you don’t want to, so if I were you, I would mute the group chat and only check it at intervals that feel manageable to you.
I’m not saying you should block anyone, but simply don’t allow alerts to appear on your phone every time they ask a question. I’ve gone days without responding to questions on my group chats because I’ve muted alerts, and it’s a great form of self-care. Not to mention, it sets the expectation that you’re not going to be the person who always jumps to respond the moment a question is asked.
The fact that you see your in-laws weekly and add photos to a shared album is more than many grandparents experience, so I wouldn’t feel the smallest shred of guilt about not giving hourly updates on your kids’ lives. We have to teach people how to treat us, and in this instance, simply ignoring the messages or responding only when you want to, will go a long way towards setting expectations and feeling a sense of inner peace.
I have two sons who play basketball: “Mike” is in 8th grade and “Ronny” is in 5th grade, and they both love the game more than anything. Mike is a solid player, and on a scale from 1-10, he’s a firm “5 or 6.” On the other hand, Ronny is a spectacular talent and is probably a “10” on the talent scale for his age group. The club basketball circuit is about to start next month and Mike’s coach said he wants Ronny to play on his team with Mike. Ronny is super excited for the challenge, but Mike said he is completely against the idea and would consider quitting altogether if it happens. Is it normal for Mike to feel this way? Should I decline the offer to have Ronny move up? Help!
I’ve seen this happen quite often in my experience as a youth basketball coach, including in my own family. Oftentimes when siblings play the same sport, the younger ones end up becoming more talented because they started playing earlier and had the luxury of watching their older siblings in action. In situations like the one you have with your boys, it’s not uncommon for the older sibling to feel a sense of jealousy when everyone is fawning over how good the younger sibling is, so I wouldn’t fault Mike for that.
The issue I have is that he would be willing to quit a sport he loves just because his younger brother would play on the same team as him. I don’t want to talk trash about a kid, but that’s a weak move on his part. What will happen in high school when Mike is in 12th grade and Ronny is in 9th and they both make the varsity basketball team? Will he not play then? What will happen when he becomes an adult and someone with less experience gets promoted at his workplace over him? Will he quit on the spot? I’m saying all of this because this stuff happens all of the time in life, and instead of playing the victim and quitting, he should use this as motivation to improve his skills.
So yes—you should allow Ronny to accept the invitation to play with the older boys. In doing so, you should keep an eye on Mike to ensure he doesn’t do anything out of line to sabotage Ronny due to jealousy, such as trying to injure him, spreading rumors, etc. You should also sit Mike down and remind him that he should be supportive of his little brother and any hard feelings he has should be used as fuel to improve. If finances and time allow, hire a private coach to work with Mike so he can bridge the talent gap and feel more confident in his abilities.
At the end of the day, Ronny shouldn’t lose out on a great opportunity because his older brother is jealous. Conversely, Mike has to learn that he can’t run away from everything that makes him uncomfortable in life. It’s possible to have a healthy sibling rivalry, and you should use this opportunity to make that point known.
My husband and I have 17-year-old identical twin sons, Joey and Nick, who are starting their senior year soon. Since they were little, they have stuck close together in school, and have always been best friends. Nick is a serious swimmer, and has been scouted for swimming at UCLA, which he plans to attend. Joey is now saying that he also wants to go to UCLA, but whenever he mentions it, Nick looks uncomfortable.
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